I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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