from now on my penis is your penis
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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