When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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