you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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