I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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