I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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