There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
