he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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