All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I faked an abortion last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
