The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
