wakey wakey hands off snakey
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
