I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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