i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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