Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
