I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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