My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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