So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
