Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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