I'm going to jail i love you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize