Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
