i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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