Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
