need another drink. this is the easiest way
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
