I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
