Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
