i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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