i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
