and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
