I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
