Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
