Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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