Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You have to summon your inner elephant
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
