My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
