Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize