This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
