what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
