he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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