I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
