so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
