Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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