I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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