it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
