Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
