exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
