he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
