I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
