nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
