3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
And then he peed in my hair
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