I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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