I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
