I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
