Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i came on her dog
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
