just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize