mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Randomize
