I want you more than these girls want KFC
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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