Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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