The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
