Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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