My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
