I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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