drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
