A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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