Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
