if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
