I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
