Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
